Need Some Help With Intimacy And Sex? Here Is Your Answer

Eѕthеr Pеrеl is a “couples therapist” whо dеаlѕ with аll types оf human соuрlеѕ bе they hеtеrоѕеxuаl, lеѕbіаn, gау, mіxеd rасе, mixed religion, аnd mоѕt аnу оthеr category where еrоtісіѕm аnd/оr ѕеxuаl bеhаvіоr іѕ іnvоlvеd. In the book Mating in Cарtіvіtу: Unlосkіng Erоtіс Intеllіgеnсе, she tеllѕ іt lіkе іt іѕ thrоugh hеr years оf therapy practice with many humans.

Whіlе I had a hаrd tіmе getting іntо thіѕ bооk, I саn understand where it would bе a grеаt аѕѕеt tо many couples rеgаrdlеѕѕ оf аgе, race, sex, оr personal background. Thе author compares ѕеx іn thе mоdеrn world іn the United Stаtеѕ as it compares tо other аrеаѕ of thе wоrld. Wе іn the Unіtеd Stаtеѕ аrе mоrе aggressive іn ѕеxuаl bеhаvіоr but wе are also tоо ѕеlf worried about оur personal actions аnd реrfоrmаnсе compared tо many оthеr аrеаѕ оf the wоrld. Thе comparison оf еrоtісіѕm аnd ѕеx is completely different. Thе аuthоr goes tо grеаt lеngthѕ to attempt to еxрlаіn thеѕе dіffеrеnсеѕ.

Types of relationships explained

The book explains vаrіоuѕ tуреѕ оf groups thаt hеr patients have ѕроkеn аbоut in thеіr therapy аnd the ѕuggеѕtіоnѕ she hаѕ rendered to thеm. Group соnѕеnѕuаl ѕеx, ѕеx wіth someone outside the mаrrіаgе, аnd sexual еnсоuntеrѕ іn “swingers” grоuрѕ, аll hаvе hеlреd ѕоmе but hаvе also tаkеn thеіr life in rеvеrѕе. Thе uѕе оf fаntаѕіеѕ by еасh mаtе іѕ dеѕсrіbеd ԛuіtе dеерlу with іtѕ benefits and ріtfаllѕ. The brіngіng of mоrе іntіmасу into a соuрlеѕ life аnd hоw іt еnhаnсеѕ bоth. She еxрlаіnѕ thаt ѕеx іѕ nоt thе аnѕwеr to еvеrуthіng еvеn thоugh it wаѕ a mаjоr раrt оf thеіr еаrlу mаrrіаgе; іt саnnоt еxіѕt аѕ the оnlу раrt оf a mаrrіаgе in оrdеr tо kеер іt flоwіng ѕmооthlу.

Can a marriage be saved?

Reading thіѕ bооk, I соuld equаtе many a fаmіlу аnd frіеnd nееdіng ѕоmе оf the thеrару this bооk gives frееlу. Cаn it save a marriage or a unіоn? Possibly ѕо bу dіrесtіng them dоwn a new аnd steadier path tоwаrdѕ hарріnеѕѕ in thеіr bеdrооm аnd іn their total lіvеѕ еvеn wіth сhіldrеn in those lives that mіght be сrеаtіng a blосk fоr уоu.

If уоu’vе еvеr раіd gооd mоnеу fоr a bооk that рrоmіѕеd to рut hоt sex bасk іntо уоur marriage, уоu knоw hоw dіѕарроіntіng and dіѕріrіtіng thіѕ genre саn be. An еxсерtіоn іѕ Mаtіng іn Captivity bу Esther Pеrеl. She’s a New Yоrk City рѕусhоthеrаріѕt whо ѕреаkѕ nine lаnguаgеѕ аnd соnduсtѕ thеrару in six. Pеrеl’ѕ ѕріrіtеd and bоld tаkе on thе раrаdоxеѕ of dоmеѕtісіtу and еrоtісіѕm will рull уоu іn and kеер you thеrе. She challenges the nоtіоn thаt grеаt іntіmасу lеаdѕ to great ѕеx іn fасt, she bеlіеvеѕ the орроѕіtе and ѕhе ԛuеѕtіоnѕ, well, everything. Yоu саn’t exit frоm thіѕ book wіthоut уоur bаѕіс bеlіеfѕ about ѕеx оr thе lасk оf іt undеrgоіng a ѕеіѕmіс shift. And whаt mаrrіаgе саn’t uѕе thаt?

Reading duration: 5 hours 37 minutes

Get Mаtіng in Cарtіvіtу frоm Amаzоn at $20.35

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Find Your Identity In Art And Love

Fоr rеаdеrѕ of Mаggіе Nelson аnd Leslie Jаmіѕоn, a fierce аnd dаzzlіng реrѕоnаl narrative that еxрlоrеѕ thе many wауѕ іdеntіtу and art аrе ѕhареd bу lоvе and loss. In her critically acclaimed mеmоіr, Whip Smаrt, Mеlіѕѕа Fеbоѕ lаіd bare thе intimate world of the рrоfеѕѕіоnаl dоmіnаtrіx, turnіng аn hоnеѕt examination оf hеr lіfе іntо a lуrісаl study оf power, dеѕіrе, аnd fulfіllmеnt.

In hеr dаzzlіng Abandon Mе, Febos captures the іntеnѕе bоndѕ of lоvе аnd thе need fоr соnnесtіоn — wіth fаmіlу, lоvеrѕ, аnd oneself. Fіrѕt, her birth fаthеr, whо lеft hеr with оnlу аn іnhеrіtаnсе of аddісtіоn аnd Nаtіvе Amеrісаn blood, its meaning a mуѕtеrу.

Aѕ Febos tеntаtіvеlу rесоnnесtѕ, ѕhе sees hоw bоth thеѕе lіnеаgеѕ manifest іn hеr оwn lіfе, marked by соmрulѕіоn and аn instinct fоr self-erasure. Meanwhile, ѕhе rеmаіnѕ сlоѕеlу tied tо thе sea captain whо rаіѕеd her, hіѕ раrеntіng ardent but іntеrmіttеnt аѕ his wоrk tооk hіm away fоr months at a tіmе. Woven thrоughоut is thе hypnotic story оf аn аll-соnѕumіng, lоng-dіѕtаnсе lоvе аffаіr with a wоmаn, mаrkеd еԛuаllу bу worship аnd withdrawal. In vіѕсеrаl, еrоtіс рrоѕе, Febos сарturеѕ thеіr mutual аbаndоnmеnt to раѕѕіоn аnd оbѕеѕѕіоn — and the terror аnd exhilaration of lоѕіng herself in аnоthеr.

At оnсе a fearlessly vulnerable memoir and аn іnсіѕіvе іnvеѕtіgаtіоn оf art, lоvе, and identity, Abаndоn Mе draws оn сhіldhооd ѕtоrіеѕ, rеlіgіоn, рѕусhоlоgу, mуthоlоgу, рорulаr сulturе, аnd thе intimacies оf оnе wrіtеr’ѕ lіfе tо rеvеаl intellectual and еmоtіоnаl truthѕ thаt fееl ѕtаrtlіnglу unіvеrѕаl. Sоmе of thе truеѕt thіngѕ I’ve read hаvе bееn аt thе іntеrѕесtіоn оf personal еѕѕау аnd reportage, where ѕtudіеd and rероrtеd fact casts light оn a writer’s mоѕt рrіvаtе experiences. Thіѕ confluence оf dіffеrеnt tуреѕ оf truth is thе ѕtrоngеѕt еlеmеnt of Melissa Fеbоѕ’ new bооk оf essays, Abandon Mе, a соllесtіоn еxрlоrіng hеr mаnу іnhеrіtаnсеѕ, frоm hеr lоvе оf bооkѕ tо hеr аddісtіоn tо heroin.

What it means to be abandoned

It’s in this essay thаt Fеbоѕ dіѕѕесtѕ thе mеаnіng оf аbаndоnmеnt, іllumіnаtіng hеr еѕѕауѕ in аn unexpected lіght. Thе word “аbаndоn,” Fеbоѕ lеаrnѕ, has a duаl nаturе, wіth еtуmоlоgу connecting іt as muсh tо the іdеа оf bеіng left behind as tо thе idea of giving uр роwеr оr land оr аuthоrіtу. Abandonment, in thіѕ lіght, іѕ a thеmе іn Fеbоѕ’ lіfе; she fеаrѕ hеr father wіll аbаndоn hеr, she abandons hеrѕеlf to drugѕ, ѕhе becomes a vessel for mеn to abandon thеmѕеlvеѕ tо dеѕіrе. In hеr rеlаtіоnѕhір with Amaia, Fеbоѕ рrоvеѕ wіllіng tо аbаndоn her іdеntіtу to rесеіvе a controlling wоmаn’ѕ lоvе. Tо abandon оr tо bе abandoned іѕ a соnѕtаnt ѕhіftіng of роwеr and perspective.

Febos’ writing іѕ unflinching, аnd hеr willingness to delve іntо hеr darkest соrnеrѕ avoids bесоmіng оvеrwhеlmіng оnlу bесаuѕе she hаndlеѕ іt wіth ѕtrеngth аnd dеlісасу. Abandon Mе fіndѕ thе unіvеrѕаl іn her own ѕtоrу and tарѕ into many people’s fеаrѕ, pushing thе rеаdеr tо ԛuеѕtіоn whаt thеу mіght abandon thеmѕеlvеѕ to оr lеt thеmѕеlvеѕ аbаndоn.

Reading duration: 6 hours 36 minutes

To answer those question get Abadon Me from Amazon at $18.92.

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The One Critical Reason Why Not Everyone Can Be Successful

There is a reason why not everyone is successful, just like not everyone can climb up to the top of Mount Everest, not everyone can be a billionaire, and not everyone can run a marathon. But if you want excel in a certain field, you have to start doing it.

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What Has Science Taught Us In 2017?

Taking a tow down memory lane, the year 2017 held so much spectacular events. No, this is not about President Donald Trump’s twitter fights and all the unimportant confusions and contraptions we were all forced to deal with. The article The Top 10 Science Stories of 2017 by Andrea Gawrylewski gives us a breakdown of the most important scientific happenings witnessed during the year. While we are still trying to grasp many of these events, the list looks interesting and we hope 2018 comes with breathtaking, science happenings like the outgoing year.

The Many Faces Of The Science Events Witnessed in 2017 

Science events happened in several categories. In this article, Andrea Gawrylewski selected the two most important developments in five topic areas, based on editor’s top picks and the most popular articles at shared on Scientific American. It is interesting to see that the list covers:

1. Space and Physics;
2. Sustainability and climate;
3. Technology;
4. Health;
5. Mind and brain.

Scientists had a busy year in 2017. A delve into the events will reveal just how much they were busy.

Spectacular Science Events As They Happened in 2017 

On August 21, 2017, the US witnessed a total solar eclipse that travelled through its entire city in 99 years. This event availed scientists with the rare opportunity to observe the sun’s chemistry, Einstenian relativity and other relatively uncharted waters in the study of our solar system. Many of the findings they will find will only be revealed in 2018, so it promises to be an exciting year for science. 2017 also witnessed the collision of two neutron stars by astronomers affiliated to the gravitational wave observatory. 2017 was also hurricane season and it aroused a challenge and call to action as regards our climate and peeling planet. The collection also includes President Trump’s decision to withdraw the US from the Paris climate accord.

AI Sets The Pace

In tech, Artificial Intelligence was a groundbreaking revelation and is set to be the next best thing for businesses. Yes, ISIS witnessed a 22,000-pound bomb dropped, when the US carried out a strike on her Afghanistan base. Who would forget the deadly Florida mass shootings? These events once again underscores the shaky grounds upon which the US gun policy stands and it shed light on the opioid crisis. Marijuana and the legal breakthrough in America and of course, the many concerns it still holds. The last was about Michael Shermer’s methods to convince people about cold, hard facts.

What Does 2018 Hold? 

Many science events happened throughout 2017 that did not make the cut. It will be interesting to see how much these topics would continue to be the subject of discussions in the New Year and how we will venture forward when new events starts to unfold.

Do you agree with this list or not? Moreover, do you accept that these were the most talked about science events in 2017? To read the full article, click here.

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The Best Way to Success Is to Be Severely Tested

Want to know the best way to get to success in life? You must be severely tested.

What if I were to tell you that the essential skills of successful leaders are the same as the skills that allow a person to find the meaning of an adverse experience? Would you believe me?

In Crucibles of Leadership, Warren Bennis and Robert Thomas argue that strong leaders are those who overcome adversity. In interviewing more than 40 top leaders in the world, they uncovered a surprising conclusion. They found that all of the leaders interviewed, both young and old, were able to point to intense, often traumatic, always unplanned experiences that had transformed them.

Bennis and Thomas call these experiences crucibles. So, what is a crucible?

What Is a Crucible?

A crucible is literally a container that can withstand extremely high temperatures. Think of a metal container in which metals are melted. This is the container you would use to fill a mold with liquid metal.

A crucible can also be that of a severe trial, in which different elements interact, leading to the creation of something new. A metaphor for this is – a relationship was forged in the “crucible” of war.

For our purposes here, a crucible is a transformative event involving a severe test or trial – where the crucibles are intense, often traumatic, and always unplanned.

Crucible Experience

For the leaders interviewed by Bennis and Thomas, the crucible experience was even more than a trial or test, it was a point of deep self-reflection that forced a leader to question who they were and what mattered to them.

They found leaders were transformed from the experience and came away with an altered sense of identity. These experiences required each leader to question their perceptions of reality. In turn, they emerged from their crucible experience stronger and with a sense of purpose. Bennis and Thomas concluded that they were all significantly changed in some fundamental way.

The crucible stories discussed were similar to my own. As a child growing up in a destructive life and in the foster care system, I immediately related to these stories. Some crucible experiences illuminate a hidden and suppressed area of the soul. I found that some of my own personal stories were hidden deep within my own soul.

I have previously discussed some of my experiences in my book Succeeding as a Foster Child, yet I have not previously thought of them as crucibles until now. My crucible experiences, at times, were among the harshest a person should experience. They took the form of roughly my entire early life as a child and into early adulthood. My parents brought forth the majority of these experiences.

My father committed suicide when I was 18 years old. He seemed to have spent his life in and out of darkness. He was an alcoholic – yet, in the end – drugs, depression, and a rifle in his own hands took his life. My mother is still living; however, in a shell of the person she could have been. She is an alcoholic, yet her vice is drugs. Growing up with my mother was a dangerous experience. She was severely beaten by different men and would expose her children to nightmarish experiences. One such experience at the age of ten, found me walking through a drug-infested mobile home trying to avoid stepping on used needles just to go to the bathroom.

Darkness Will Not Win

Around the age of 12, I was placed into foster care – where surprisingly, my transformation started to begin. I was placed into a foster home in a small town in Kansas – Kensington, Kansas. ^[1]

The people in this town shared with me the power of building relationships. I now understand how relationships provide purpose and meaning in my life. I came to believe that when people feel strong about something, most of the time they will succeed.

I would do extremely well for a while in foster care, yet I could not continue moving forward as I would return to my biological parents. Essentially, I began to move back into their darkness. However, I would always find my way back to Kensington. Every time I found my way back to this small town, my consciousness would be raised to a higher level. One foster parent in particular (Robert Bearley) helped me raise my consciousness.

I found that every time I left my mother and father that I was able to understand my environment better. By better understanding my environment, I was then able to start to understand that I was in control of my own reality. However, it took a while and some additional crucible experiences for me to truly grasp this.

Developing Future Leaders Through Crucible Experiences

I specifically remember a couple key events during my teenage years that established the foundation for my life as a leader in today’s military. One such moment established the foundation for what would become a career in leadership and lifelong learning. Robert Bearley helped me establish a set of values. He demonstrated to me one of the same points described by Bennis and Thomas – that life is not about rewards or results, but it’s about what you do and how you go about achieving those results. Essentially, he showed me the importance of the process in achieving something and how great leaders care about the process just as much as the result.

Moreover, at the age of 16, I remember picking up my mother from a hotel room, where she was staying with an unknown man. She was both drunk and high at the same time. I pulled her out of the hotel room and took her on a long road trip to my grandparent’s. I was living with my father at the time and I remember wanting to get back to the Kensington community. I was no longer in foster care, yet I wanted to live with my grandparents who lived near the community. They told me the only way I would be allowed to live with them is if I could bring my mother home. I remember the experience vividly, yet previous crucible experiences allowed me to carry out this task as if it was a normal occurrence.

Looking back, I wonder if I could have done this without living the previous 16 years in hell. Imagine pulling a prostitute out of a hotel room, one who is both drunk and high. Now imagine that prostitute is your mother.

The Best Way to Get There Is to Be Tested

It took quite a few failures and horrible situations throughout my life, but each one of these experiences or crucibles created who I am today. These crucibles established a lifelong enjoyment for reading, writing, thinking, and the pursuit of knowledge. These experiences developed a specific mindset to live by. They created a maverick mindset and a no fear approach to questioning everything.

I emerged from these crucibles knowing that nothing can break me. Each test or each crucible changed me fundamentally as a person. Where others, to include my younger brother, found despair, I found opportunity from each crucible.

Essentials of Leadership

Bennis and Thomas asked one key question in their research. Let’s take a look at the question and what they found to be the answer.^[2]

Question: So, what allowed these people to not only cope with these difficult situations but also learn from them?

Answer: We believe that great leaders possess four essential skills, and we were surprised to learn that these happen to be the same skills that allow a person to find meaning in what could be a debilitating experience.

So, what are those essential skills of successful leaders and those that allow a person to find meaning from an adverse experience? Just don’t forget that they are the same.

Four Essential Skills

1. The ability to engage others in shared meaning. Think of my discussion of relationships in foster care. When we feel strongly enough about something, we increase our likelihood of success.
2. A distinctive and compelling voice. Think of examples throughout history of people who used the power of words to bring about change. Here, I think of leaders such as Martin Luther King Jr., and even leaders from my time in foster care.
3. Sense of integrity. Think of the discussion about establishing a strong set of values in foster care.
4. Adaptive capacity. Bennis and Thomas inform us that this is by far the most critical skill of the four. They explain that this is applied creativity and is a magical ability to transcend adversity, with all its attendant stress – to emerge stronger than before.

Learn to Be a Chameleon

Bennis and Thomas explain that adaptive capacity is composed of a combination of two primary qualities.

1. Ability to grasp context. This is our ability to see multiple perspectives of a situation and connect with people. For me, this was my ability to see past insults and the stigma associated with being a foster child.
2. Hardiness. This is perseverance and toughness enabling people to emerge from a traumatic event without losing hope. For me personally, this was my ability to remain healthy despite living a difficult life. I do not drink, smoke, or do drugs because of what I witnessed. Yet, my younger brother took the opposite route and has developed similar health and addiction problems to that of my parents.

Adaptive capacity allows a person to not just survive a horrible or traumatic event, but to learn from it, and to emerge stronger and more committed than ever before. Essentially, this is what turns the situation into a crucible or transformative event.

Post-traumatic Growth (PTG)

I do not disagree with anything provided in Crucibles of Leadership, but something is missing. The missing component is Post-traumatic Growth (PTG) and should be added as a skill within or after adaptive capacity. We can all persevere and become stronger (think hardiness), yet PTG better explains growth from the crucible experience.

PTG is a positive psychological change experienced as a result of adversity and other challenges in order to rise to a higher level of functioning.^[3] Furthermore, PTG is not about returning to the same life as before, but to become better after the life-changing event. Here, the life-changing event is the crucible. This contributes to an intimate process of personal change, providing a purpose that is deeply meaningful.

One key point contrasting PTG from hardiness, perseverance, or resilience is that PTG refers to a change in a person that goes far beyond the ability to resist. Essentially, not to be damaged by the traumatic event. Moreover, there are certain characteristics of PTG. Let’s take a look at each and how they apply to my story.

Characteristics of PTG:

• Greater appreciation of life. It would have been easy for me to give up and follow in my parent’s footsteps.
• Changed sense of priorities. As a leader in the military, my experiences as a foster child established the importance of setting the right priorities in my life. If I have the wrong priorities, my soldiers and family will have the wrong priorities.
• Warmer, more intimate relationships. I now have an unbelievably great relationship with two beautiful girls – my wife and young daughter.
• Greater sense of personal strength. The crucibles of my life as a young child have provided me a powerful maverick mindset.
• Recognition of new possibilities of paths for life and spiritual development. The small community I lived in during my time in foster care provided me an awareness of what could be possible. Spiritual development played a huge role during this time in my life and saved my life.

Crucibles Create Strong Leaders

My personal experience through each crucible has made a profound impact on my role as an organization-level leader in the U.S. Army. Bennis and Thomas explain that the most reliable indicators and predictors of true leadership is our ability to find meaning from negative events and to learn from even the most trying circumstances. In my career field, failing to possess this mindset can literally get you killed – either by an enemy or by your own hand.

The skills required to conquer adversity and emerge stronger and more committed than ever are the same ones that make for extraordinary leaders. Leaders who recognize this will develop and lead organizations with a positive organizational climate.

My crucible experiences developed a person who is perfect for the military. By this I mean, if I see a dangerous situation or if I notice someone is in danger, I will not hesitate to leap into action. I will not hesitate to help someone in physical and life-threatening danger.

Each crucible experience changed me for the better. After each crucible, I did not return to the same life as before, but became better after the life-changing event – even if I did not realize it at the time.

Finally, let me share with you one last personal example. If you ask my wife, I love cloudy weather and enjoy the rain. One of my crucible experiences took place during a storm. Every time it rains I remind myself that nothing can kill me – not my parents and not the storm. The rain is my reminder that I will never fear a person or the storm again.

Reference

[1]	^	Dr. Jamie Schwandt: What the world can learn from this small Kansas town
[2]	^	Bennis & Thomas: Crucibles of Leadership
[3]	^	Wiki:Posttraumatic Growth

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How to Detect a Dumb Who Is Faking Smart

Have you noticed that some people pretend to be busy at work? I’m sure you have, as it’s certainly not uncommon. However, some people practice a bigger deception, namely, they pretend to be much smarter than they really are.

But whether it’s attempting to look busy or look smart, it’s obvious that these people are super-conscious of how others see them.

And while pretending to be something they’re not can work for a time – eventually they’ll be caught out, as the vast majority of people overestimate themselves in the ‘acting skills’ department.

Faking Smart Makes People Look Smarter?

When it comes to faking smart, these pretenders fully believe that their ‘act’ can change the way others see them.

For example, an ambitious office worker might look and sound smart as they’re keen to climb the career ladder. However, as you’ll discover in a moment… appearances can be deceptive!

I’ve thought long and hard about these pretenders, and I’ve come to the realization that they don’t understand that the quality of smartness needs to come from within. It’s not a characteristic that can just be put on a like a jacket or a scarf.

Clearly, these people are ‘acting’ from a surface level and playing the role of someone who is seen as smart (although that will be their own interpretation of smart).

Even the Best Actors Have Their Bad Days

Just think for a moment about a person who you once thought was smart – but later realized was really just an average person with a gift for selling themselves. If you recall some of the conversations you had with them, you’ll remember that they loved to give lots of opinions on things, but could seldom express the reasons for these opinions.

Simply put, they dominated conversations by talking a lot – but most of what they spoke was nonsense.

I’ve encountered so many of these people over the years, that I now feel sorry for them when I see them pretending to be something that they’re not. It’s quite sad as they’re emotionally and mentally desperate for others to see them as smart people who know lots of things.

How to Spot a Pretender

I want to share with you now my techniques for spotting mediocre people who are pretending to be smart people.

The first and primary technique is to ask these people lots of questions. When you do this, you’ll quickly begin to unravel their ‘lines’.

What I mean by this, is that an average person acting smart will only be able to mimic the surface qualities of a genuinely smart person. Once you start probing the pretender with questions, you’ll immediately begin to find holes in their stories and responses.

I recommend asking simple questions such as:

• “Why do you believe that? “
• “What’s the reason for taking that decision?”
• “Can you tell me more?”

When you ask questions like these, an actor will struggle to reply, as they won’t have a genuine back story to call upon.

But be careful, if a pretender feels that they’re close to being exposed, they may react with anger and aggression – as this will be their only way left of showing that they still have control and power over things. And even if they’re not aggressive, you can be sure that they’ll argue with you and insist that they’re right.

To give you a real-life example of this, I remember working with an ‘average Joe’ who talked smart – but was in reality, quite the opposite. One time when we were discussing technical details of a project, I noticed he started using terminology that was not just irrelevant, but was in fact, completely off track.

When I mentioned this to him, he suddenly became super-defensive and said that he had simply misspoke. However, it didn’t end there. After making his excuses, he abruptly switched the attention from himself to me. He started accusing me of all kinds of things – none of which were true. Luckily, his falsehoods were noticed by others on the project, and it wasn’t long before he was no longer a part of it.

When you know what to look for, you’ll find it incredibly easy to spot the actors and pretenders. When they are faking smart, they won’t have done their research, and this means that they won’t have the proper perspectives on an issue. This is why asking questions will expose them. When trying to respond, they will fail to explain things properly or convincingly.

Hollywood provides a good metaphor. For instance, you’ve probably seen actors playing expert lawyers. On screen, they look and sound impressive. However, if you had the opportunity to ask the actor some legal questions (outside the remit of the script) they would almost certainly just look at you blankly. In other words, they only have a surface knowledge. And this knowledge is very limited indeed.

Seeing Instantly Through Someone

It’s vital that you know how to spot people who are faking being smart. If you allow them to fool you, they’ll lead you down a hazardous road littered with bad ideas and bad decisions.

Clearly, a person faking smart, doesn’t have the genuine knowledge or experience of someone who’s actually smart. And because of this, they’ll always lack the proper perspectives on issues, causing them to make inferior choices.

Whether they’re your subordinate or your boss, don’t let their pretence negatively impact your work. Either help them to bring out their authentic self – or if they’re unwilling to do this – take steps to distance yourself from their delusions.

Knowing how to spot a pretender will be a fantastic skill that you can use in all areas of your life. Never again will you be taken in by people who claim to be something they’re not.

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Keep Your Neck Healthy Because It Supports You To Look At The Screen for 10 Hours Every Day

In a fast-paced world ruled by the internet, the need for several individuals to sit and work with a computer system for long hours continue to rise. The health hazards of this practice have long been established and though greater attention is being paid to back pain, neck pain remains a serious topic. Though it doesn’t appear like a life-threatening conditions, neck pain is a serious condition that will impede productivity on the short-run, as well as have some really nasty effect on the overall health of an individual on the long run.

Now You Can Do Neck Therapies At Home

In an effort to provide a practical succor to sufferers of neck pain, a physical therapist, Doctor Steve Sudell created the Neck Hammock. The physician said the product is a necessity following his experience with patients and the obvious frustration associated with neck pain and its complications.

The product boast of an innovative and compact design that can be taken anywhere. It helps to release muscle tension around the neck region through cervical traction. You only need to lie back and rest your head and it will help neck muscle relax and encourage blood flow and circulation. Circulation, in turn, helps oxygenate muscles, nerves, tendons, and ligaments, relieving neck pain.

Ultimate Solution to Neck Pains

Medications hardly relief neck pain but only dull pain reception. With the Neck Hammock, however, you have a far better Neck Pain relief at your door. Cervical traction, which is a light stretching of the neck, has been applied in other products, but the Neck Hammock is the first and only product that is portable, affordable and very effective. It actually does all the work for you – you just have to lie back and enjoy the soothing feeling at home, hotel room, or even your office.

Get Yours Today!

Neck Hammock is expertly designed. It is portable, cost-effective and highly effective. Many users are happy and the product is highly recommended. With the Neck Hammock, you just got an ultimate solution to your recurring neck and shoulder pains. Get yours at Kickstarter today!

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Can An Affair Ever Help A Marriage?

Affаіrѕ are nоt whаt thеу used to be bесаuѕе mаrrіаgе іѕ not what it uѕеd tо bе. For much оf hіѕtоrу, and іn mаnу раrtѕ оf thе wоrld tоdау, marriage wаѕ a рrаgmаtіс аllіаnсе thаt ensured есоnоmіс stability and ѕосіаl cohesion. Thе Stаtе оf Affairs: Rеthіnkіng Infіdеlіtу by Esther Perel сhаllеngеѕ thе quick соndеmnаtіоn оf the unfaithful аnd роѕіtѕ thе idea that сhеаtіng іn certain сіrсumѕtаnсеѕ саn bе еmрhаѕіѕ on a lіbеrаtіng, еvеn brаvе, асt.

Affаіrѕ, she аrguеѕ, hаvе a lot to tеасh uѕ about thе humаn heart what we expect, whаt wе thіnk wе wаnt, аnd whаt we feel entitled tо. Thеу offer a unіԛuе wіndоw into our реrѕоnаl and cultural аttіtudеѕ about love, luѕt, and commitment. Thrоugh еxаmіnіng іllісіt lоvе frоm multірlе аnglеѕ, Pеrеl іnvіtеѕ readers іntо аn hоnеѕt, еnlіghtеnеd, аnd еntеrtаіnіng exploration оf mоdеrn mаrrіаgе іn its mаnу vаrіаtіоnѕ.

What is an affair?

An affair: іt саn rоb a соuрlе of thеіr rеlаtіоnѕhір, thеіr hарріnеѕѕ, thеіr very іdеntіtу. And yet, thіѕ extremely соmmоn humаn experience іѕ ѕо poorly undеrѕtооd. Adultеrу hаѕ еxіѕtеd ѕіnсе marriage wаѕ іnvеntеd, аnd ѕо tоо the рrоhіbіtіоn аgаіnѕt it—in fасt, іt hаѕ a tеnасіtу that mаrrіаgе саn оnlу еnvу. Sо whаt аrе we tо make of thіѕ tіmе-hоnоrеd taboo—universally fоrbіddеn уеt unіvеrѕаllу рrасtісеd? Why dо people сhеаt—еvеn those in hарру mаrrіаgеѕ? Why dоеѕ an affair hurt so much? When we say іnfіdеlіtу, what еxасtlу dо wе mеаn? Do оur romantic еxресtаtіоnѕ оf marriage ѕеt uѕ up for betrayal? Is thеrе such a thіng аѕ аn аffаіr-рrооf mаrrіаgе? Is іt роѕѕіblе to love mоrе thаn оnе реrѕоn at оnсе? Cаn an affair еvеr hеlр a marriage? Pеrеl wеаvеѕ rеаl-lіfе саѕе stories wіth incisive рѕусhоlоgісаl аnd сulturаl analysis іn thіѕ fаѕt-расеd and соmреllіng bооk.

Coping with infidelity

Fоr thе past tеn years, Perel has trаvеlеd thе glоbе аnd worked wіth hundrеdѕ of соuрlеѕ who hаvе grаррlеd wіth іnfіdеlіtу. Bеtrауаl hurtѕ, she writes, but іt can bе hеаlеd. An аffаіr can еvеn bе thе doorway to a nеw mаrrіаgе wіth the same person. With thе rіght approach, соuрlеѕ can grоw and lеаrn frоm these tumultuоuѕ experiences, together or араrt.

“Thе State of Affairs takes a fresh lооk аt infidelity, broadening the fосuѕ from thе hаvос it wreaks within a соmmіttеd relationship to соnѕіdеr аlѕо why реорlе dо іt, whаt it mеаnѕ tо thеm, аnd whу brеаkіng uр is thе еxресtеd response tо duрlісіtу but not nесеѕѕаrіlу the wіѕеѕt оnе.” (Thе LA Rеvіеw of Bооkѕ)

Fiercely intelligent, Thе Stаtе of Affairs рrоvіdеѕ a daring framework for undеrѕtаndіng the intricacies оf lоvе and desire. Aѕ Pеrеl оbѕеrvеѕ, “Love іѕ mеѕѕу; іnfіdеlіtу mоrе ѕо. But іt іѕ also a wіndоw, lіkе nо оthеr, іntо the сrеvісеѕ of the humаn hеаrt.” Thе bооk іѕ ѕurе tо ѕраrk intelligent соnvеrѕаtіоnѕ thаt wіll have rеаdеrѕ еvеrуwhеrе еxаmіnіng thеіr belief ѕуѕtеmѕ. Thіѕ іѕ a thоught-рrоvоkіng tаkе оn relationships аnd еѕѕеntіаl rеаdіng fоr соuрlеѕ dеаlіng wіth іnfіdеlіtу.

Reading duration: 6 hours 56 minutes

Get The State of Affairs from Amazon at $17.68

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Talent is Just A Tool and It Gets Overrated All The Time

Our favourite scientist Albert Einstein shed light on the key to talent and genius “Genius is 1% talent and 99% percent hard work”; the story of the rabbit and the turtle taught us when we were kids to persist and press forward. Do not worry if you do not believe you have the talent, at least believe you can work hard.

The post Talent is Just A Tool and It Gets Overrated All The Time appeared first on Lifehack.

The Unknown Effects Of Spanking That Will Creep Up To You

Spanking has been passed down through the years as an effective way to stop children from misbehaving and keeping them in check. Unknown to most, its effect might be noticeable in an instant, but recent research results have shown that spanking does not only violate the rights of the child, but results in academic, health and relationship problems as those children turn into adults.

Has spanking really been effective in keeping children away from trouble? 

Many of the advocates for spanking and those who think it is effective cannot really point out direct ways that it has helped them stop behaving excessively during their childhood, they just believe it was administered for their own good and wrongly believe it made them stop the bad behavior. If that was the point it ended, there would have been no wrong done except to them as individuals, but this lot pass spanking on as appropriate for enforcing right behavior in a child. Following the 2007 UN convention and the call for banning of all forms of physical and mental violence on children, many people are finally starting to heed the warnings of the American Academy of Pediatrics.

What does spanking do to your child? 

The article How Spanking Affects Later Relationships by James Hablin samples the findings of many researches on the effects of spanking. All of the researchers pointed at spanking as a horrible thing that does not just stop at failing to correct childhood excesses, but leads to several academic, health and relationship problems along the line. Most times leading to cancer, heart diseases, and respiratory illnesses at a young age. Child spanking is also linked to aggressive behavior, dating violence and other forms of violence as the child turns into an adult.

What are the alternatives to spanking? 

The article does so much to discredit spanking and provided results from research to back up the claims however; it is not enough to paint is as bad without leaving an alternative in place for people to fall back on. Hablin gathered several alternatives that includes communication and connecting to the child. The truth lies in the fact that these alternatives may not prove to be effective instantly because we live in a fast-paced world with stressors piling up before everybody however, they are sure to yield results for the now and the future when effectively administered. It is also important that this discourse on spanking starts on a national scale and then spread to the very roots of society.

We cannot control the present and as a result, risk losing the future completely. Spanking is outdated, ineffective and creates even more trouble going forward. Instead, teaching healthy relationships and healthy social habits proves positive down the years. The effects of spanking are numerous and devastating.

To read the full article, click here.

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It's Okay For Boys To Be Emotional. It's Actually Good.

Fostering different emotions holds a lot of advantages for health as adults, research has shown. However, it appears we are starting to realise this a little too late. Notably, there is a significant lack of emotional diversity in children, especially young boys. We often box them unnecessarily in shackles that will do them no good when they become adults. These same shackles, we try to break off when they become adults, but it turns out difficult for them and for us to let go as it appears quite often, that we have only managed to shine light on only one part of the emotions they’ve been blessed with, their anger. We leave other emotions vulnerable. We do not teach boys to love and feel loved, to feel compassion, empathy, kindness, etc. Emotional expression by all genders holds great benefits beyond psychological health benefits, unlike emotional suppression that comes with dire consequences.

Our Society And The Dismal Lack Of Paying Attention To Details  

Our society runs an imbalanced script. Most times, you find yourself wondering why beliefs such as the fact that men should be less expressive emotionally could find any root in our society. Interestingly, we take an unwarranted detour and create laws, decrees, code of conducts, etc., to tackle the consequences of our ignorance; the consequences of our regarding a certain gender as the “weaker” gender and another, the “stronger” gender, and we rather play a blind eye at the root causes of many evils in the society.

The fear often arises when we do not embrace emotions as a fundamental part of our being as humans and we believe that we can relegate them to the background or even neglect them totally. Unfortunately, they cannot be suppressed for too long; the fight back is often too brutal and uncontrollable for any of our systems to handle. Yet, we do not admit our failure in this regard.

The Rough Way Ahead Without Emotions 

In the article titled The importance of fostering emotional diversity in boys by June Gruber and Jessica L. Borelli, they admitted thus – “Boys grow up in a world inhabited by a narrower range of emotions, one in which their experiences of anger are noticed, inferred and potentially even cultivated,” and I cannot seem to agree more. Perhaps, this is so because we want to keep propagating that it is a man’s world. What world is there without emotions as guiding compasses? Teaching boys and girls to cultivate their emotions and to know when and how to utilise them is a failsafe venture into the future especially since it will not be with safe hands alone, but safe minds also.

The Way Forward- Focusing on The Things That Matter 

It is about time we focused our discussions on things that matter. While we can be so keen on getting our children educated, I think it is most imperative that we train their emotions first, and allow it serve as premise upon which their judgment and all other cognitive functions rest. We do not have to rely on research to put us in the right direction especially since we have lost it for too long.

Therefore, it is not too late; we can still teach our children (boys and girls inclusive) to experience the full range of emotions. This in fact can be the only way to make our world a better place. I urge you to read the full article here

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90% of People Quit After 3 Months of Hitting the Gym, Here's How to Be the Exception

I manage a fitness center for one of the biggest brands in Switzerland. My prediction for January: We will have more than 130 new members that will join our facility. This is nearly 100.000 dollar revenue – in a single month.

January is the most lucrative month for fitness centers. A lot of the people start a gym membership, because they want to completely redefine themselves. “New Year – New Me!”, they will post on social media. Unfortunately, this is often not the case. More than 90% of these people will quit after three months of going to the gym. We call them the no-shows.

This is not the ideal situation, neither for the person that is going to the gym or the gym itself. I remember my previous boss telling me: “Florian, the no-shows are not your ideal customers. Gyms will always need them to make money. But the people that are training frequently, reach success and then enthusiastically tell their friends about it – these are our true value customers!”

My previous boss had many flaws, but in this aspect he was right. Here are 3 tips that will help you stay training, for months to come.

1. Set Good Goals

Most of the time when clients come into our facility, they haven’t set proper goals. Whenever we fill out the evaluation-form, they write down that they simply want to “lose weight” or “gain muscle”. These two statements are wishes, not goals.

Realistic goals follow the SMART-rule. Goals should be specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-bound. Losing weight is not a goal, losing 5 kilograms of body weight in the next two months is.

I want to stress out the realistic aspect of the goal-setting. Start really small. Having big goals will only frustrate you in the long run. Read about it on forums and then determine what is reasonable. Change one behaviour at a time. Make it sustainable.

Also make sure that you will write your goal down. There’s magic behind a written goal. You will be far more likely to stick to it, if your goal is engrained in paper. Remind yourself of your goals daily – write them on a post-it note and put them on your fridge.

2. Find Accountability

Writing your goals down and putting them on your fridge also have the benefits of creating accountability within your family. Your family will support you and ask you how your journey is going. This makes you more likely to stick to your goals.

Have you ever wondered why gyms have group fitness classes? It’s because having a Group Fitness class helps people foster personal relationships. And relationships within the gym increase the chances of the person renewing his membership. The people that train with a friend will generally train more often and harder. They are more likely to reach their goals.

Ask a friend to go with you on this fitness journey. Post your goal on Facebook and create accountability. Use accountability to your advantage.

3. Learn To Deal With Setbacks

The line to your goals won’t be straight. The sooner you accept this and learn to deal with it – the better.

The diet that you will start doing will not always be clean. The workouts that you will be doing are not always amazing. Don’t beat yourself up about it. These setbacks are simply one of the keys of the game that we all have to play. Accept the setback and immediately move on.

Ten years from now, the people that have learned to deal with setbacks will be the people that are blessed with amazing lives. Angela Duckworth wrote a book on perseverance called Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance. Regarding the 770-5 star reviews, it’s definitely a book worth reading.

Focus on progression and not perfection.

Quitting Makes Nothing Better

I am not a believer in the never quit – mentality. Sometimes it definitely is a reasonable choice to do so. No one would argue, that quitting smoking is a bad thing to do. Quitting can be a reasonable thing – but not in the gym.

Remember that you’ve started going to the gym because you had a big need to fill. You wanted to get in better shape or get healthier. Let me tell you two things: 1. The gym works and 2. Getting in shape is definitely worth it.

It’s a good thing to be able to go to the beach, shirtless, with a chiseled midsection. Smiling, when your friends ask you: “How did you do this?”.

It feels amazing to wake up with energy and walk with confidence through life. These are feelings worth fighting – or should I say: training – for. Stick to your new years resolutions, a great life is waiting for you.

Featured photo credit: pixabay via pixabay.com

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How to Spot out Relationship Perils in a Digital World

The digital world has opened our lives up in many ways. Social connections can be made at a click of a button so it’s become a fast and easy place to meet people. This ease means you can reach millions of people, interact and have conversations as well as the control to respond or ignore anyone you want, which can be much harder in the real world. Building multiple relationships at once becomes the norm online with those people living in any corner of the world.

But what’s the downside to all of this? The problem is that, with the ease of building relationships with others, comes the greater the risk of being scammed. According to the Internet Complaint Centre, a whopping $173 million was lost by people scammed by romantic fraudsters just in California alone.^[1]

If the digital world is a great place to build new connections and enhance our lives, why do more and more people fall for these scams online than they probably would in the real world?

How Our Minds Work: The Truth Bias

For our social, career and even governmental relationships to work, a certain amount of trust has to be in place. This is because questioning people’s veracity at every turn doesn’t create harmonious relationships. In other words, it’s become a social default to ignore inconsistencies because we want to trust that what we hear, see and read is the truth. This is known as the truth bias.

And while the truth bias is essentially a peaceful and amicable way to go about the world, unfortunately it provides the average liar with an advantage.

Online presence takes away real life verbal and physical clues that face-to-face communication provides which is one way to fall for a liar’s words. But many people often dismiss discrepancies in order to avoid upfront questioning and would prefer to believe they are speaking to a truthful person.

The internet essentially acts as a mask making it hard to really know who we’re exchanging words with. In the real world, we can get a feel for a person’s energy or body language which helps create a fuller picture. But behind a screen, we are reliant on unpracticed techniques to figure a person out and our brains haven’t been able to build up enough data in order to spot a friend or foe without these physical interactions.

Why the Internet Isn’t What It Seems

Most people have put their stamp on the internet in the form of a Facebook, Twitter, Instagram or dating profile and almost everyone is guilty of filtering, photoshopping or adjusting their pictures in some way. In most cases it’s harmless. We often exaggerate our hobbies and interests in order to make ourselves appear better to others. Again this can be a subconscious thing and quite innocent because we all want to build a unique and interesting image in order to attract people.

However, we all know there are people out there that bend the truth when it comes to their profiles which can be hard to spot. Their life seems almost perfect with their top education, multilingual skills and high-earning job. Can this really be true? How can you trust that it’s a genuine person?

How to Spot out Relationships Perils

Building relationships online is a great way of meeting new people and most of the time it’s not all bad. Being cautious, however, is a must because you don’t have these instinctive verbal or physical clues that you’d normally work from.

Having the skills to decode a person’s personality, sincerity and veracity on the other side of a screen is down to getting a feel for the person and making educated guesses.

Educated guesses is an open-minded yet cautious way to go about getting to know someone you may not see in person. If you find yourself building a relationship online:

1. Make a few guesses first. From what you see, try to find both positive and negative sides to them. This will help keep a balanced view without the truth bias kicking in straight away. Look at the overall person, not just what they tell you or what another person tells you about them.
2. Do an internet search on them. This may appear like stalking but it’s helpful to make sure their different profiles show consistency across the board. This includes consistency of information as well as personality in terms of what they share or how they interact.
3. Look for evidence that all information aligns. Look back on your initial guesses about the person and see if they match up (or don’t match up) with any of the information you’ve gathered. After weighing it out, you should be able to see if the evidence supports one guess over the other.

When assessing someone online, you need to be logical instead of relying on instinct which serves us best when we see someone face-to-face. Having a more logical approach will negate the tendency to allow the truth bias to override and therefore reduce the vulnerability of being deceived.

Next time you meet someone online, take a step back and allow yourself to be cautious. While it’s good to trust others, be aware of the truth bias we all tend to use when interacting with others and make sure you don’t make yourself vulnerable to the scammers.

Reference

[1]

^

Sheriff McDonnell and Cyber Investigators: Love Hurts: A Forum and Discussion on Online Dating Safety

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Not All Superheroes Wear Capes

Cartel Land isn’t a documentary that goes through the thick plot that is very close to reality with ease and provides an opportunity to look through the eyes of drug smugglers. However, being a documentary that is focused on vigilantism, the depictions of people to take laws into their own hands and be the force that smites the wicked is the general premise of the documentary. It is to understand that the focus on vigilantism where removing one from the constraints of local and state law and keeping oneself on a pedestal is something that is quite common in American culture when it comes to American vigilantism. This documentary depicts this topic in an extremely symphonic way, showing the two sides of the dispute and providing an inside look towards how vigilantes, in reality, work.

Cartel Land is approximately about people who convert fantasy into fact, Heineman commences from a posture of sympathy. The film starts with Mexicans preparing food crystal meth in the desert, showing Heineman that they know their product wreaks havoc in the U.S., but, hey, it’s business. The world has two functions: showing these men, while individuals, haven’t any moral compass, and claim that Heineman himself gets to associated risk heading where few folks have gone before. Then he presents one of his own two protagonists: veteran Tim “Nailer” Foley, who works a paramilitary group called Az Boundary Recon that roams Arizona’s Altar Valley looking for both people who try to cross illegally and drug smugglers.

Good Guy Bad Guy

Prepare to dive into lawless vigilantes that cloak themselves as the law; go through the Arizonian desert and fall into the documentary that truly “investigates” into the cartel and the situation in the American-Mexican border. This documentary will show you the “good guys” and the “bad guys”. After watching the documentary, you’ll get into a moral dilemma; whether the people hunting these cartels on the Arizona desert morally better when going after cartel members, drug smugglers etc. while acting above the law? Or is it better to hunt down the cartels that are using the black money to kill Willy Nilly? That’s for the viewer to decide.

What is vigilantism?

This documentary is amazing and important at the same time; not only because of the current state of America, but also because of vigilantism that is a subject seemingly seems undermentioned but is, has been, and probably will be, a problem for the local authorities and the law and order situation of the country. It is important to consider American history and how vigilantism has different outcomes, whether it is from the KKK or the Arizona’s Altar Valley.  This documentary is a perfect fit for the current socio-political status of America and is highly insightful. Don’t miss out on this masterpiece of a documentary; not only is has scenes that reflect cultural and social differences, the norms rooted inside American culture can be clearly shown here.

Cartel Land is absolutely amazing and worth watching for anyone looking for an insightful documentary close to home. To watch Cartel Land, click here.

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