How to Get over Your Self-Defeating Thoughts and Behaviors

If you've found yourself repeating self-defeating thoughts and behaviors, it's critical to understand the root causes of where these thoughts and behaviors are coming from. Self-defeat is something you can overcome. It takes recognizing the situations in your life and past struggles that caused such a down spiral of these self-defeating patterns. Humans are creatures of habit and thrive on habits most of the time. Our brains actively try to keep us from changing our ways, from trying new things and leaving our comfort zones. However, habits do run their course. If you're engaging in healthy habits such as brushing your teeth each morning and night, your trips to the dentist will be less painful, if at all. And then, there's habits of self-defeat, the ones we might not recognize are hurting rather than helping us. Have you found yourself in a situation where later, you've said: "I could have avoided all of that stress if I didn't do X, Y, or Z." After some reflection, you've maybe realized you have been there in the past. It's easy to blame it on stress, as everybody often does. You tell yourself you were stressed, overloaded with work, or not completely with the program. Maybe you didn't get your nine hours of sleep the night before. Chances are, you've made costly mistakes as a result of these self-defeating thoughts and brain-engraved patterns. It might not be the first time you've acted impulsively because a distorted thought rang in your head along the lines of: "Who am I kidding? It's not happening. Why bother?" Let's delve into self-defeating thoughts, first.

What Are Self-Defeating Thoughts?

Thoughts can be powerful, loud, undeniable and interfere in our quest for achieving greatness. We want to live our dreams, but deep down, there's an abundance of fears dictating our path as we trudge through life's obstacle course. I've been in situations where I was so close to something monumental. But, my anxiety would trip me up. Anxiety has cost me a lot and also realized it stemmed from my continuous self-defeating patterns. Now that I recognize the patterns, I've learned valuable lessons about not pursuing huge goals until you are 100% prepared and ready to face the challenges.

Negative Inner Dialogue

Inner dialogue is another type of process which triggers a rabbit hole of negativity. We keep reaffirming in our minds how great and amazing we are until a voice begins shouting, "YEAH RIGHT," or, you've written those words in red crayon on your desk somewhere. Whether you accept this or not, thoughts have a lot of power. Distorted thoughts play a major role in how you perceive and respond to situations or the world around you. Distorted thoughts are false and derive from deep emotional or personal struggles and fears. Self-defeat may be an unforeseen cop-out or a way to avoid seemingly daunting challenges.

Fear of Failure

Another thing you might be subconsciously avoiding is failure. By this I mean, you could be afraid of success because you feel failure is the only realistic outcome. Once you got close to reaching a goal, you might have sabotaged something purposely and later kicked yourself hard. Fear is a funny (and ultimately destructive) thing. Our thoughts may act as blockers, to stop us from reaching a certain point in our careers or personal lives. It's important to assess and problem solve what's causing such inner conflict and leading to sabotage and loss of opportunities. Author Elizabeth Gilbert wrote all about creating without fear. When I find myself worrying about projects before they're published or are sent off for the world to see, some days, I need affirmations. I used to psyche myself out and it stopped me in my tracks. Every living human being has dealt with the same setbacks and failures. Without failures, you'll have a hard time navigating the path toward success.

Self-Doubt

Self-defeat correlates with self-doubt. Unforeseen self-sabotage is a result of deeply rooted insecurities. Therefore, they aren't unforeseen. Our brains are programmed to protect us, to keep threats at bay. Success can feel threatening, terrifying and uncertain. To identify why you keep falling into thoughts of self-defeat, you might want to ask yourself, "What am I holding myself back from?" Realizing that self-defeating thoughts are as unreal and futile as distorted thoughts, you'll be on the right path toward breaking the vicious cycle. Distorted thoughts exist for the sole purpose of keeping you stuck in an unhealthy mindset. If not appropriately attended to and understood, these distorted thoughts run the risk of manifesting into core beliefs you bury inside of you that aren't at all accurate. In turn, those core beliefs you twisted up become predominant in your daily life, essentially forcing you to unconsciously slam on the brakes. A pattern is deeply routed in the brain. Our brains want familiarity and rejects anything new, different or the unknown. That's not always the case for everybody. However, mental down spirals, sudden lack of motivation, and overwhelming anxiety trigger self-defeating thoughts. Our thoughts turn into actions we might later regret. Awareness is only the first step toward self-improvement and emitting those destructive patterns of sabotage. The old me, more than ten years ago, used to give up before trying or tell myself, "I failed at X, Y, or Z, so I shouldn't even bother doing anything else." If that was still my mindset today, I wouldn't have gone on to write books and publish health and wellness articles in national journals. A strong, healthy and accurate mindset is critical for breaking the cycle and patterns of self-defeat. Without it, you're like a car trying to run without gas. You might be able to function in a poor mindset for a while. Eventually, a negative mindset will take its toll on you and prevent you from moving forward in your career and other areas of your life.

Examples of Self-Defeating Thoughts

"I am not good enough, so why bother?"

At one point or another, we've all been there, possibly. The compare and contrast game is a dangerous one to play. If you've said, "I am not good enough, so I won't," it means you've spent not enough time focusing on your uniqueness, qualities and abilities you have because you're looking at everybody else. Don't bother looking at someone else in your respective industry who is not in the place you are professionally. We all have different paths and stories. You are good enough when you do your best work.

"I'd like to try this or that, but..."

Try is a failure word. Take it out of your vocabulary. In college, years ago, I once said to someone, "I could try to write a book, but..." Already, I gave up before starting. Since I was a child, I was writing fiction and non-fiction books. It was that self-reflecting combined with visualization of the future that propelled me into writing novels. Sometimes, it takes some reminiscing and a vision to get the ball rolling.

"They believe I am not enough, so it must be true."

One of my favorite young actresses said:

"Don't worry about being someone else's definition of enough." -- Sophia Bush

Really, it is a pointless thing to worry about. People will have their perceptions of you based on false first impressions or how they think you should be living. You know your truth and what you should be doing in your life. If someone else isn't happy or feels you should be doing something else, or more, or greater, they're not worth your time or attention.

"There are so many things in my way, so I won't bother."

Success is not out of reach for any living being. I wish someone said this to me years ago: "Only you can stop you." In actuality, you are stopping you. Nobody else has your power, your influence, your skills, talents, abilities and knowledge. Thoughts are only thoughts, and a healthy mindset recognizes the truth from the distorted ones.

Self-Defeating Behaviors and Where They May Originate

Acting Impulsively

Long, long ago, back when I had the attention span of a fly, I learned a harsh lesson regarding impulsive behaviors. I was young and operating in fight or flight a lot, functioning in overdrive and many lost nights of sleep. One morning, I was conversing with a colleague who made a joking statement toward the creative work I was doing and interpreted what she said as a direct insult. I was seeing a message through bleary, rundown lenses. Truth be told, I responded to the email too quickly, overlooking her insightful and honest words. My eyes were seeing one thing, but my mind perceived another. Thankfully, she realized I was under tremendous stress at the time and knew what I was experiencing in my personal life. Even so, if I had slowed my thoughts and mind down, I wouldn't have nearly jeopardized a working relationship. Impulsive behaviors may originate from numerous issues -- insomnia, pressure to measure up, stress, lack of confidence in one's self or work, fear of failure. The email I sent back to my dear friend and colleague wasn't so, so bad. It was just defensive and a sign that my mindset wasn't right. These days, I champion a slow-moving, meditative lifestyle. Had I been doing this ten years earlier, I wouldn't have been so defensive in my response and would have applied her words more thoughtfully.

Obsessive Compulsive Behavior

Perfection is a ridiculous thing to strive for, though I am guilty of this. I used to obsess and obsess over ensuring my work was error free until I was asleep at my keyboard. Obsessive compulsive behavior is a form of self-defeat in the sense that you may have thought, "Until this is perfect, it's not going anywhere." Again, you're stopping yourself. The strive for perfection is as deadly and destructive as self-doubt.

Self-Punishment

Self-punishment and self-defeat go hand-in-hand. Behaviors of self-punishment may include starvation, overworking, losing nights of sleep, or not even going to the washroom and taking a break because, well, you have deadlines. I've done all these things, too. It's common not to realize you are self-punishing and are believing you're dedicating to your craft or work. Self-care, regardless, should always come before your work or anybody else. Without your health and vitality, success will feel like cruel and unusual punishment or torture. I know someone who is well into his seventies and may work until he drops dead. He should be retired and is still traveling to faraway places for his company. He's not in the best health and disciplines himself to the point of deprivation. He enjoys his work, of course, but every time I see him, his eyes are blood shot and puffy or he hasn't eaten in hours.

Giving in to Distorted Thoughts and Making Them Your Core Beliefs

I want to emphasize distorted thoughts because they branch off self-defeat. I've fallen victim to the power of unrealistic and inaccurate thinking. Negative thoughts can be used as a way of protecting yourself from disappointment, heartbreak, and maybe even embarrassment as a result of fearing failure. It takes effort to believe in yourself, especially if you've been in numerous situations that compromised these beliefs.

Self-Interventions to Conquer Self-Defeating Thoughts and Behaviors

Take it from someone who, for years, from the time I was a child, heard everyone determine my fate because I have health issues. I don't have health issues all the time. Nothing has kept me from achieving my goals, short term or long term. The inner dialogue with yourself reflects your current mindset. Recently, I wrote about self-interventions which involved meditation, self-hypnosis, yoga, and daily practices geared towards strengthening not only the body, but also the mind.

Breathe

Breathing intervenes in negative thinking. More so, it releases unnecessary tension that is stiffening your body and causing aches and maybe even physical pain. Diaphragmatic breathing slows your heart rate, eases anxiety, and slows the pace of your mind.

Unplug

I'm not trying to blame anything on the digital era in which we live. But, I secretly have felt that I've been born in the wrong era. I would have loved to live in a time without the Internet, cell phones or social media. While I do use those social platforms regularly, I schedule set times each day for writing. I unplug the Internet, quiet my cell phone, and work outside. This daily discipline keeps my mind engaged, enriched, moving slower, and calm.

Respond, Instead of React to Life

To clarify, when I speak about mindset, I'm not talking about being positive. What I'm talking about is ensuring your thoughts are in the right place, in wise mind. Wise mind means you are mentally and emotionally neutral, balanced and mindfully navigating though situations in life. You're not acting out, acting impulsively or making decisions on the fly. You're calm, thinking thoroughly through things, and checking yourself before wrecking yourself.

Bottom Line

Distorted or unrealistic thoughts should never morph into core beliefs about yourself. If you succumb to distorted thoughts, you're also self-sabotaging because you let these thoughts dictate your path in life. Instead, rewire your brain using the self-interventions I listed above so you can recognize your fullest potential and live the life you deserve.

More About Overcoming Self-Doubt

• How Self Doubt Keeps You Stuck (And How to Overcome It)
• How to Gain Confidence and Really Boost Your Self Esteem
• How to Build Self Esteem (A Guide to Realize Your Hidden Power)

Why You Should Always Do What You Love (And How to Do It)

These days, we are becoming more aware of the importance of self-care and pursuing what makes us happy, leading many to create the lives they want. However, we can still see the culturally ingrained image of the individual who is stuck in a life that they don't want simply because they need to do certain things to survive. In fact, you may know people who do exactly this or you may lead a life like this yourself. You may feel the pull of rewarding activities that bring a smile to your face while doing the things that provide little spiritual value to your life. In all of the intricacies of society, we tend to forget one simple truth: life is meant for living. We only have so much time on this planet and we should waste as little time as possible on things that don't make us happy. But how does one get started in their search for unbridled happiness? If you feel relatively unsatisfied with your life and want to start doing more of what makes you happy, you will find the tips you need to do what you love and develop the life you dream of in this article.

1. Understand That Life Is All About Balance

The first major misconception that comes with building a positive life is that everything has to be positive. People are very quick to throw out the things that are negative and unenjoyable but learn just as quickly that this is simply not a realistic or sustainable way of living. Why? Life is about balance. You can't just do what you love because it is not possible. You are going to have to tackle things that aren't fun in order to do what you love, and there are also aspects of that you love but are probably not fun as well. You are going to have to deal with things that are unpleasant while you seek out the positive. To enjoy the sweet fruits of your labor, you have to do the labor first. The overall goal is to create a life in which you can do as much of what you love as possible. However, it is important to know that there are still going to be things you have to do that are not so fun and that is absolutely okay.

2. Know That You Can't Be Positive All the Time

Another misconception is that one can be positive all the time. We see a lot of people promoting this lifestyle that is all happiness. A life void of sadness, darkness, and pain. The truth? Life can be dark. You are going to deal with things that are painful, trying, and difficult. It is an unavoidable part of living life. You have to open your heart and soul to live a life worth living and this means opening it up for everything that could come its way. Rather than trying to escape, you need to build resilience to help you deal with these things and you need to learn to cultivate a positive mindset that helps you see the light in the darkness. You can't avoid the dark aspects of life but you can embrace them and turn them into a learning experience that contributes to your personal growth. Building a life you love is an extensive process but one that is extremely rewarding. Here are some ways you can start working towards that higher standard of living.

3. Learn What You Love Personally and Professionally

You can't build a life you love if you aren't completely aware of what you love and driven towards that passion. The first aspect of life that you will need to focus on is what you want to do during your leisure time, as this will be the easiest part of your life to change. Make a list of things that you want to do more of during your free time. Whether that involves spending more time with certain people, engaging in hobbies that make you lose track of time when you are doing them, or focusing on improving different aspects of your life such as your fitness or your financial situation, there are plenty of ways you can better utilize your free time by focusing on doing things you enjoy.((TinyBuddha: The First Steps Toward Creating a Life You Love)) The second area of life that will take longer to build but is just as important is the professional part of your life. More often than not, we end up in career paths because of the money or security that they provide rather than because we love doing them. Does this hold true for you? If it does, you are going to have to ask yourself, what do you want to be doing? What is something that people would pay you for that also brings you joy? What is something that you could do for the rest of your life that you wouldn't tire of? Regardless of what that may be, it is important to keep that in mind as you work towards making the transition from your current employment to your desired career path. Here's a guide to help you find what you love in life: How to Find Your Passion and Live a Fulfilling Life

4. Set Goals That Lead You Towards Your Best Life

Part of being human is wanting to have everything now. We all want to have the lives we want at the snap of our fingers. While there are some things we can incorporate into our lives in the moment, we are going to have to work hard for the other, bigger things. One invaluable skill that will take you far in life is learning how to properly set goals. If you have things you want in life, you are going to need to track your progress and continually move forward and accomplish things to carry you to your end goal and keep you there. Although there are a myriad of tools and resources out in the world that will help you build upon this skill and become more productive and efficient in your day-to-day life, the concept of goal-setting is quite simple. All you have to do is develop a clear, specific picture of what you want, learn what you have to do to get there, break your goal down into small, achievable steps, and set a deadline for your goal. Learn more about goal setting here: How to Makes Lasting Changes with Smart Goal Setting Of course, goals are only as effective as you are. You will have to make sure that you are following through on what you say you are going to do. Otherwise, creating the life you want can become a longer, more painful process!

5. Live Your Life With Intent

Part of the reason why we end up in lives that we aren't excited about is not that we are necessarily okay with the lives we are leading but, because we have fallen into certain habits. Once we are accustomed to doing things a certain way, we continue engaging in those activities. The only way to get out of them is to realize that these habits are present in our lives and break free of them. Living a happy life means living a life with purpose and intent. Every decision that you make should ultimately be what you want and help you work towards the things that you are searching for.((Success: It Takes Intentionality to Create a Life You Love)) This means that you are going to need to create a life that allows you to break these cycles and help you develop healthier habits that are beneficial to you. You can do this by making simple changes such as eliminating distractions and setting up simple reminders and motivators that drive you to change. Once you've developed new habits, you can then become more mindful of the habits you are engaging in, so that you can begin taking on that which only serves your growth and happiness. When you start living your day-to-day in the way you want, you are going to get much more out of what life has to offer.

Bottom Line

Doing what you love means living a life you love and when you think about it, shouldn't that be everyone's goal? Getting started is as simple as realizing what you want, getting rid of what you don't, and setting yourself up for success, three tips that you can learn more about with the guide above!

More About Living Your Dream Life

• 10 Reasons Why Following Your Passion Is More Important Than Money
• 9 Mindset Shifts That Will Help You Live Your Dream Life
• 7 Steps to Start Living Your Dream Life Right Now

How to Learn Fast and Remember More: 5 Effective Techniques

Have you noticed that the older you get, the harder it becomes to learn things quickly? I've certainly experienced this. When I was in my teenage years, I could learn endless things in rapid succession. This including being able to read and absorb complex books on computing in just a few hours. But when I got older, I noticed my reading slowed down — as did my ability to remember and recall facts and figures. When I first noticed this, I became a little alarmed. However, instead of letting it get me down, I put my mind to finding some answers to the problem! As you'll discover in this article, there are several simple techniques to help you learn faster and remember more. And once you adopt these techniques, you'll develop a love for learning that will last a lifetime. This will also increase your overall well-being in life, as well as boosting your confidence. For example, imagine learning a new skill (perhaps being able to speak, read and write a new language). This could dramatically improve your life. You might secure a new job that requires a bi-lingual speaker. You might decide to retire in a new country that speaks the language. And you might even meet a new partner who falls for your verbal charms! One thing is certain: Once you begin to enjoy learning again, you'll reignite your life. You'll have more energy, more drive, and much more fun. Ready to learn the secrets of learning? Then, join me as I reveal five tips for you to learn more and to learn faster:

1. Keep It Short

Set out to intentionally learn in short bursts of time. I recommend aiming for 30 minutes once a day, and then build up from there if necessary. This will prevent you from being overwhelmed by trying to take in too much new information. For example, if you'd like to begin learning a musical instrument like the guitar or piano; don't try to learn too much, too soon. This will likely be counterproductive, as you'll not only tire your brain — but you'll most likely tire your fingers too! Instead, spend half an hour a day on learning your instrument. This will allow you to make steady but sure progress. The same applies to reading a business or self-improvement book. If you want to successfully digest the key information, then don't try to read the whole book in one session. You'll take in much more if you just read a chapter a day.

2. Go Old School

Have you noticed that most learning nowadays involves computers? While this can be a great way to learn, I'd also encourage you from time to time to write things down with pen and paper. Writing down what you learn has double the impact, as you're actually making yourself acknowledge the fact twice, rather than hearing it once and letting it slip away. And by writing it by hand, you'll have more investment and care towards the words you write down. This will make what you're learning more significant and memorable to you. Think of it this way: Old school is the new school! Personally, I like to carry a notepad with me at all time. This enables me to write down ideas that I come across during the day. And it can be especially useful in meetings or presentations, where I can easily jot down key themes to work on later.

3. Take a Nap

Studies show that once you've crammed lots of new info into your brain, you can help better store it in your memory by taking a nap.((BrainScape: Sleep On It! Why you’ll learn better with good sleep)) This is because taking a nap (as well as getting the recommended 7 to 8 hours sleep per night) helps keep your attention span and mental alertness at their peak. Napping after studying can also help your subconscious mind process the stuff that your conscious mind has taken in. So whether you're trying to cram for an exam, prepare for an important work presentation, or you simply want to remember the tips in this article — make sure you take a nap when you need to. This will ensure that your brain and memory are both operating at their best. If you're still unconvinced by the power of napping, then consider this... Researchers from Saarland University in Germany((Medical News Today: A short daytime nap could improve memory by fivefold, study finds)) found that a short daytime nap of around 45-60 minutes significantly boosted brain function. In fact, they found that learning and memory could be improved by up to five times. (Now that's something for you to remember!)

4. Don't Multitask

When learning something new, it's vital that you put 100% of your focus on the task. For instance, trying to learn Spanish while cooking dinner and checking your emails may SEEM like you're being efficient — but the truth is that you'll retain way less by doing this than if you just dedicate a solid 30 minutes to studying Spanish. Years of observing people working in offices has convinced me of the fallacy of multitasking. Sure, it looks like multitaskers are super-busy and productive. But in reality, they're spending their time and energy in a very unproductive manner. It's a bit like trying to run, dance and cycle all at the same time — you won't get anywhere, and you'll look ridiculous too! If you're a multitasker, then please check out my article: Can’t Focus? Why You’ve Been Doing It Wrong and How to Focus Better

5. Drink More Water

When I was at college, I hardly ever drank water. I was much more interested in drinking Coca-Cola. Not only did these taste great, but I mistakenly believed that their high-sugar content would help keep my energy levels topped up. In reality, these drinks cause a dangerous sea-saw in energy and blood sugar levels.((Medical News Today: How soda impacts diabetes risk)) I became interested in drinking water, when not only my energy started to fade — but my overall health too. It was at this time that it became obvious to me that I was chronically dehydrated through consuming almost exclusively soft drinks. As soon as I began drinking 2 to 3 litres of mineral water a day, I noticed a HUGE difference. I felt much more lively. My appetite improved. And... I found that my brain worked better than before. I could learn things easier and quicker than previously, and I also discovered that my ability to recall info was boosted too. But you don't need to just take my word for the benefits of drinking water. According to a recent scientific study, drinking adequate amounts of water during exams was shown to improve students' grades.((BBC News: Drinking water improves exam grades, research suggests))

Bottom Line

So there you have it: Five tips for boosting your ability to learn quicker and faster than ever. If you want to revitalize your learning ability, then start putting these five tips into action immediately. Sure, it requires a bit of investment on your part — but the results will definitely be worth it. Just imagine... Once you realize that you can remember and recall things easily again, your confidence will soar, and you'll almost certainly get the 'learning bug'! With your new found drive, motivation and superpower memory, you'll be able to tackle things you may have only dreamed of doing before. For example, you could go back to college to study coding or philosophy. You could create a business plan for that company you've also thought of starting. And you could even start crafting the first chapter of that book you've always wanted to write. Being able to process and remember information will set you apart from others. You'll be known as a quick-thinker who always has the necessary facts at their fingertips. What's more, you'll start to appear younger than your age — as your quick and agile mind will be more like that of someone 10 years younger than your real age. It's no exaggeration to say that being able to learn faster and remember more will transform your life for the better. The only question that remains is... what are you going to learn next?

More About Learning

• 10 Ways to Find Learning Motivation (Even After You've Graduated)
• How to Use Observational Learning for Your Best Improvement
• 8 Ways to Train Your Brain to Learn Faster and Remember More

How to Quit Social Media for a Happier and More Focused Life

I’ve noticed that when I catch up with a friend, family member, or colleague, the other person will at some point ask if I saw what someone posted on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter. My permanent reply: “No, I didn’t see it.” This response sometimes leads to a curious look. Other times, people will just proceed to explain the latest social media buzz. I’m sure some of you think I’m bragging about my lack of social media activity. There are certainly people who wear quitting social media as a rebellious badge of honor. The fact, however, is that I’ve recently realized that by limiting social media, I’m leading a much happier and more focused life.

The Upside of Life Without Social Media

I was recently reading an article about the cost of debt on happiness((The Ascent: Study: The Psychological Cost of Debt)) and it reminded me of how certain things have a taxing effect on happiness. Similar to debt, there’s certain things that can be so distracting that it can influence your personal life and how you are at work in a negative way. At work, I’d stop what I was doing any time I received a social media notification. While one way around this would be to turn off notifications, use an app that blocks sites, or completely turn off my phone, I’d still feel anxious about having to check my social feeds. FOMO is a very real thing. In fact, research conducted at Duke University's Center for Advanced Hindsight found that even if you turn off notifications, you still feel anxious that you’re missing out.((Business Insider: There's a better way to get smartphone notifications that makes people less stressed — and it doesn't require eliminating them all)) These distractions may seem harmless, but they play a part in your productivity as well. Joanne Cantor, PhD, professor emerita of communication at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and author of the book Conquer CyberOverload said:((The Healthy: 13 Things That Could Happen When You Quit Social Media))

“When we stop ourselves to check social media again and again, it really becomes another form of multitasking, and multitasking makes whatever you do take longer, and you do it in an inferior way.”

The American Psychological Association reports that multitasking, such as going back and forth between social media and a work-related task, can actually reduce your productivity by as much as 40 percent. Outside of work, social media distracts you from enjoying the present. For example, let’s say you’re having dinner with your family. Instead of spending quality time with your loved ones, everyone’s faces are glued to their smartphones like mindless zombies. That’s definitely not going to strengthen the relationships you have with one another. Even if social media is valuable to your business for feedback, it’s good to take a break. Here’s another example. You go to a concert or a baseball game with a friend or business acquaintance. You’re not deeply involved in this activity or, worse, enjoying the company you’re with because you’re too busy posting social media updates — or checking in to see what everyone else is posting. Besides these distractions, I’ve also noticed that I actually have more free time. I’ve been able to use this time to read, write, or learn new skills that make me a stronger person, both personally and professionally. Without social media, I’ve been more productive and able to truly enjoy the company of the people I care about. Also, I have felt less stressed and am sleeping better. Research has found that social media is linked to poor sleep, anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem.((Journal of Adolescent: Sleepyteens: Social media use in adolescence is associated with poor sleep quality, anxiety, depression and low self-esteem )) This shouldn’t be surprising. We lay in bed scrolling through our feeds, comparing ourselves to others. On top of that, blue light from our screens stimulating our brains, we get jealous and wish we were lying on a beach instead of preparing for work in the morning.

How to Realistically Limit Social Media

I’ll be the first to admit that limiting social media isn’t easy. The fear of missing out, of course, plays a role. Even if you aren’t addicted to social media, you’re likely to experience withdrawal symptoms when you limit. That’s actually the first step in being able to successfully limit social media: realizing you’re going to miss out on certain things. Eventually, you’ll realize you aren’t as isolated as you believe. In fact, you may have even stronger relationships because your main communication methods are more intimate, like texts and phone calls. Besides, if someone didn’t invite you to a party because you aren’t on social media, is he or she really someone you consider a close personal friend? That person’s most likely an acquaintance who really isn’t all that important to you in the grand scheme of things. After coming to this realization, you should uninstall all social media apps from your phone and log out of them on your computer. This is just a simple way to remove the temptation to view your social channels with one click or tap. Though it will be a rough start, you’ll eventually experience the benefits of not being tied to social media. The further you distance yourself from it, the less you’ll miss it. However, if you’re still struggling, look for other ways to distract yourself. Pick up a new hobby, meditate, exercise, volunteer, or actually call to catch up with a friend. Not only do these activities give you something else to focus on, but they also allow you to strengthen your existing relationships and establish new, more meaningful ones.

Life Without Social Media

If you feel you need social media to stay in the loop, seek out alternatives like newsletters or RSS feeds that are relevant. If you have to establish a social media presence professionally, set boundaries, such as logging in once a week to check messages and schedule the following week’s content. You can also delegate or outsource your social media responsibilities so you can remain free of social media. You can live without social media. In fact, it’s probably for the best. But it is an adjustment; you’ll miss out on certain things. Some people may forget you. But you’re also going to be happier and more focused because you’ll be less distracted and stressed. You’ll also be more productive and fulfilled. To ease your way into this, don’t go cold turkey. Deactivate your accounts for a week, then maybe two, then possibly permanently. As you’ll see, it’s not the end of the world.

More Related to Quitting Social Media

• 9 Steps to Disconnect from Social Media and Connect With Life Again
• How to Turn Your Fear of Missing Out into a Joy of Missing Out
• When You Stop Checking Facebook Constantly, These 10 Things Will Happen
• I Deleted 564 Friends On Facebook But I Have Saved 100 Real Life Friendships

How to Turn a Bad Attitude into a Positive One

These days, the phrase “bad attitude” gets thrown around quite often. You use it regularly and barely stop to think what it actually means. It’s just the nail technician has some bad attitude when you asked her to redo your toes. Your younger sister has a bad attitude when you offered her to put her phone down while you are having a conversation. Your boss has a bad attitude because the deal did not go through. With the ease that the label “bad attitude” gets applied these days, it is unlikely that you catch yourself saying “I have a bad attitude today.” Though having it is something that you rarely consciously admit to yourself, your own bad attitude is more impactful on you than the attitude of anybody else around. Staying in a company of people with a bad attitude is something you can choose. It’s similar to an elevator that stinks when you walk in. You suffer for a couple of floors but then you walk out. And soon enough, you manage to erase the unpleasant encounter out of your mind. Having a bad attitude is different. You don’t notice or pay much attention to a stink, because it’s yours. And, until you are able to identify and manage your bad attitude, you are a prisoner of it, unknowingly to yourself. So it is not a semantics exercise when you try to put a finger on what exactly you call a bad attitude. It is, rather, the training of your mindfulness to notice when you are in your own stinking cloud and not letting it become your permanent company.

What If You Think You Know More Than Anybody Else?

Coming to a project, a team, a conversation with a sense that you are always right and that you know everything is a sign of a bad attitude. You can be indeed the most prepared and have the deepest expertise - that is not the point. In fact, being the smartest person in the room is often one of the coping mechanisms we often resort to.((Know Your Fear: Weapons of an Ambitious Woman: Can We Always Be Right and Stay Happy?)) The problem with thinking that you know more than everybody else is that, in this mindset, you are not open to feedback or any new information that can be constructive to what you are trying to achieve. Your focus is on proving others wrong, without giving a chance to a possibility that others may actually have a point. Come back to that nail technician who messed up your toes. She will be adamant pointing that your feet are crooked rather than admitting that she, a professional in this setting, did something wrong. With the huffing and puffing, she will redo your nails. But she may never see where exactly she made a mistake. You can be the same when you think you know more than anybody else. Catch your bad attitude when you dismiss a piece of feedback, when you defend familiar ways, and when you discredit (even only to yourself) others’ experiences as invalid. At that moment, not only you are impossible to cooperate with. In this mindset, you block any opportunities for your own growth. With the need to maintain your status of know-it-all, you become stiff and blinded to things that can oftentimes benefit you.

From Know-It-All to Knowing Nothing

Once you've diagnosed that you are in your usual “know more than anybody else” mode, coming out of the stinky attitude starts with recognizing that sometimes, you might be actually wrong. And it may have nothing to do with the facts, figures, and dates. If anything, you are always spot on with your prep. It is about admitting that others may experience the same situations differently than you and therefore have their own truth, also different from yours. Preparing to be wrong means understanding that all you know is actually a reflection of your experiences only, and not anybody else's. Whether it is about personal relationships or business, you can be both right about your own vision of things and wrong about others’ at the same time. Realizing it makes you so much more open-minded, cooperative, and tolerant. And that’s quite a bit of an attitude change!

What If You Think It Will Fail Before It Begins?

Imagine that you perform your best version of an eye-roll and frustratingly ask yourself, “Why do I even have to go through it?” You are about to start something that, in your book, has already failed. Placing a verdict of failure on things, people, or events before they even had a chance is bad attitude! Here are some examples. You think a meeting with your colleagues will be a waste of time before heading to it. So you mentally write it off and deliberate a way you can pretend participating while going through your own plans. You suspect that your partner will forget your birthday, and you decide to spare yourself from a potential disappointment. You book a restaurant in advance so there are no unpleasant surprises. Anticipating a failure is a natural defense. Something uncertain is about to happen, and preparing for the worst is a way to control it. However, having a backup plan for the worst-case scenario is different than filing something as a failure in your mind before it starts. The former gives some room for things to turn out fine, with a plan B in the back burner. The latter already has placed the whole enterprise in a grave. No matter what destiny it could have had, you’ve already decided that it’s going to be grim. When you decide to book a restaurant to prevent your partner from forgetting your birthday, you rip him of the agency he has in this situation. More so, you literally incentivize him to disappoint you next time. You do not believe in him from the start - so why convince you otherwise? And, as your know-it-all mode might kick in here too (see point above), you will inadvertently lead a situation into failure just to prove you are right. Double strike for bad attitude!

From Expecting Failure to Giving the Agency

Bad attitude coming from not believing in people is rooted in past disappointing experiences. Yet writing things off because others have let you down before is just bitter. You literally allow your past to dictate your future. You condition others that there is no way for them to please you, because you’ve already decided it’s going to be a failure. You also condition yourself to only notice disappointments, because that’s all you remember. Turning this around requires letting others own their mistakes when they make them instead of trying to preempt them. Giving the agency to people you deal with and taking them in good faith means believing that they are doing their best. With that belief, you will be present to see that, instead of tending to the graveyard of failures that never happened.

What If You Criticize to Invalidate?

Let's say, your team sends a presentation, and you see every bullet point that is not aligned well. Or maybe your friend tells you about her mysterious new boyfriend, and you find every inconsistency in his behavior. Attentive to details and analytical, one thing you do extremely well is finding holes in anything. Nothing that does not sit well skips your eye. While your forensics skills came handy on more than one occasion, they’ve probably brought you into one particular trap: you can criticize something to completely destroy it. At first, it may seem like fun. Because look at you not letting any imperfection pass through! But then you just cannot stop. The more you discover, the more your inner detective gets both enraged but also aroused by an idea of finding more. It goes on until you stand in the middle of ruins, aggravated. "Couldn’t others see what I had to deal with just now?” Bad attitude! You’ve just destroyed something into pieces without building anything in return. How come is it a bad attitude when you just pointed at everything that is wrong with an idea? Well, your role in the whole undertaking is destructive, not constructive. For someone you’ve provided feedback to - all you’ve done is invalidated that person’s vision (even for a good reason), which, without an alternative vision, leaves that person directionless. For yourself, you have just spent time finding negative. Without rebalancing it with positive and offering ways how it might work, the net result of your effort is another confirmation that people do sloppy work, do not pay attention, let alone care.

From Destructive to Constructive

The only way to remedy this bad attitude caused by a detective syndrome is to take it for a rule that whenever you criticize - you offer an alternative. Literally! Do not like a sentence in a presentation - offer a rewrite! Do not like a proposed strategy, instead of stopping at finding problems, - find how the problems can be resolved. A good attitude is whenever you are a critic, you are also a creator. This way, instead of being a party pooper to be avoided, you will be someone to come to for solutions. You being constructive is not only important for people around. It is most important for you. So, between things that you’ve criticized to death and things that you helped to progress forward, the balance would always remain on the latter. Even after all the sadist pleasure you’ve derived marking up your teammate’s draft into a bloodbath, at the end of the day, you are the one who moves this draft to a next level, not throws it in the garbage.

What If Everybody Around You is a Problem?

There is a saying that:

“If everybody around you is a problem, you are a problem.”

Finding the culprits is a common strategy for masking a bad attitude. Yet this is the exact time you should turn to yourself. If others have no clue what they are doing, perhaps it’s a good moment for you to examine your conviction that you know more than anybody else. If you feel like things are bound to fail before they even commence, probably it’s your desire to control everything taking the best of you. And, if you encounter more issues than solutions, it can be the case that the real issue begins with you. Identify your bad attitude before pointing at anybody else’s, and you are halfway turning it around. Then, prepare to be wrong, give people ownership of their mistakes, and offer alternatives when you criticize, and that’s a much better attitude!

More About Building a Success Attitude

• Signs You Need an Attitude Adjustment (And How to Do It)
• How to Develop a Can Do Attitude and Succeed in Whatever You Want
• How Your Attitude Determines Your Success

Why Job Satisfaction Is Important If You Want to Succeed

In my adult life, I've had nine positions at nine different colleges in seven different states. Some might call that picky. Others may refer to it as wishy-washy. But I like to think that I was a Job Satisfaction Seeker. We all want to work at our dream jobs - who doesn't? We want to be part of a community of like-minded individuals who come together daily to be part of an organization, corporation, or institution that makes a difference in the world. If you just wanted a paycheck, you probably wouldn't be reading this article. Job satisfaction doesn't just come from your job title or your take-home check stub. You feel it inside because you know you are working at a place where you make a difference. Your values align with your employers, you connect with your co-workers, and you enjoy working for and with your supervisor. You are able to see the difference you make through your performance. That sounds lovely, doesn't it? As I referenced in my opening line, I've worked at several different places. SEVERAL. And I wound up leaving those first eight positions for different reasons, but they were all related to job satisfaction in one way or another.

Company Culture

In my first position out of graduate school, I found myself in an environment quite different from the professional development I had received in my assistantship. I was doing an entry level position at a mid-size public school in the pacific northwest. I had been used to being the Big Fish in the Small Pond, but now the shoe was on the other foot. In essence, I had accepted a position that was, how should I say this, more politically correct that I was accustomed. And I got in trouble a lot. This led me to my first lesson on understanding company (institutional) culture. Knowing that your values align with your employer and that you "FIT" there is important to job satisfaction. At this stage in my life, I had no idea what questions to ask during the interview to get to the concept of "FIT." I was a young professional, just out of graduate school, and just married, too. The trifecta of early employment struggles. Still, I made some good friends during my two years at this position, and I can say with all honesty that I'm glad I took this position.

Using Your Skills at Work

My second professional position was at a small, private, liberal arts school in the midwest. I ran my own department - rare for someone at my age, generally speaking - and my supervisor was really cool. I loved my students and really connected with my colleagues and peers. So, why did I leave? After almost four years - the third longest tenure in my career - I was in a meeting with my supervisor, discussing the changes coming down the pike in the next few years. My supervisor was very honest with me. "Kris, I'm not telling you to leave; but you will need to understand that the direction this department is going is highly administrative. If you want to stay successful, you'll need to adapt to that and make some changes." I thought of this for a long time and made the decision to look for a new job. I realized that the parts of my current job I really ENJOYED - and had been successful - were not administrative tasks. They were highly relational and programmatic. And I wanted more of that, not less. I didn't believe that my skills lay in the administrative arena. I wanted to continue working directly with students and doing programs.

Trusting Your Supervisor

My third job position was at a small-ish public school in the Washington D.C. area. It was roughly the same amount of money and the same duties, but a more prestigious title. Now, to be fair, there was a certain lure with this position because my sister had just given birth to twin daughters and lived only 20 minutes from my new employer. The pull from family can definitely be a factor when taking a position - and I thoroughly enjoyed the 9 months I spent in that area spending time with my sister. Still, there was always something behind the curtain that didn't seem right to me. And it came down to trusting my supervisor. This was a strained relationship from the beginning; and I wasn't "seasoned" enough to know exactly what I wanted to say to her to express my concerns. All it took was just one incident of getting thrown under the bus to turn the ship. It hurt, and to this day I'm not even certain that I handled it the best way. I learned a great deal about trust and communication. And that never happened to me again.

Creating Your Own Gig

From Virginia, I found my way to Chicago, working at a mid-sized urban institution. Chicago was home for me, and I relished the notion of working in my favorite city. I honestly would have kept this position and stayed longer than 30 months - because it was a chance to create my own work experience and leave a true legacy. The position for which I was hired was a new position - I would be creating a leadership program for students living on campus. It included advising student leadership organizations and traveling to various conferences. I was given a very nice budget and a good deal of freedom in what I created. The main reason I left this position was out of support for my husband, who was a California boy and longed for more sun and warmth. Resigning was tough for me because I had a very good experience at this institution. From the job satisfaction standpoint, I was thrilled to have the chance to create my own gig. And I truly DID leave a legacy. But when you have a life partner involved, sometimes making sacrifices is what's needed for your partner's satisfaction. In my book, spouse satisfaction supersedes job satisfaction. And he had made many sacrifices for my career. So I made one for his happiness.

Change, Change, Change

From the Windy City, I went to Arizona with no job lined up. I spent close to six months in temporary positions and had a very hard time landing a position at the big local university in my field of housing and residence life. Not having benefits was getting pretty scary - and expensive - so I went down the road of applying for every single position I was even remotely qualified for. I was thrilled to finally land in New Student Orientation as a Program Coordinator. I would be working directly with the Student Orientation Leaders at a slightly lower salary than I'd had in Chicago. Still, it paid the rent and I truly enjoyed my supervisor and colleagues. This job allowed for some wonderful travel and I was able to grow the Student Orientation Program to a level it had not seen previously. But a New Sheriff was in town - President, that is - and it looked like there was going to be some major changes on the horizon. It wasn't that I was worried about job security, but I WAS worried about the possibility of my position shifting to a new division all together. And I'd finally realized that I'd been on a lateral train for close to ten years. It was time to seek higher ground and a bit more stability.

Work Life Balance

I applied only to jobs with the words "Director" and "Associate Director" in the title. I landed at a prestigious private school in the mid-south with a campus housing requirement and a very high-touch approach to student development and student conduct. My favorite theory of "Challenge and Support" was mostly support and no challenge. But I thoroughly enjoyed my colleagues and my supervisor. We were a strong team and we worked very hard -- almost too hard. As an Associate Director, I finally had a chance to supervise staff and really build a team. I loved the city and even my hubby found a way to break into a field that he enjoyed further. This position was a live-in position. I had an amazing apartment, a great salary, and wonderful benefits. I could use my meal card to buy CD's at the bookstore as well as meals off campus at local restaurants. But I spent many weekend evenings at the hospital dealing with students who were intoxicated and made more than my fair share of parent phone calls. I was finding very little work life balance at this institution of higher education. I took my next position after only 18 months on the job.

No Upward Mobility

FINALLY - it was off to Southern California! I took a senior level position at a small private university in the very large San Bernardino County. I was running my own department, supervising staff, and found a wonderful connect with the professional association of my field. My supervisor was amazing. He gave me autonomy and freedom to run my own show, asked my opinion on higher level matters, and did everything that he could to create opportunity for me. Things were looking good and I was being courted for an Assistant or Associate Dean-level position. This was awesome. Then, the market crash of 2008 hit and our institution suffered greatly. There were layoffs on the private school front and many public schools were instituting mandated furloughs. I survived the layoffs at my institution, but the writing was already on the wall. In 2010, my supervisor shared with me that he did not see any possibility for upward mobility in my case unless someone in a higher position resigned or retired. And since we had just undergone our second full restructuring during my 4 year tenure here, I made the decision to start looking for something else.

The Moral of the Story

There is more to my story - after all, it IS 2019 now. I have found job satisfaction in my current position; and while there is still room for improvement on a regular basis, I don't get restless anymore. I'm able to work collaboratively with my supervisor and my colleagues in a way that leads to job satisfaction every day. I feel stable and successful. I want to work in this position and this institution for the rest of my career. To quote Huey Lewis and The News, "I've Finally Found a Home." Do I regret being the former Mary Poppins of Higher Education? No. I learned a great deal about myself and what I'm capable of doing in my career and for students. But I'm happier and more satisfied than ever where I am now. So go ahead - try on some different jobs. See how they fit. Ask questions. Make some waves. Participate. And don't ever stop seeking job satisfaction!

More About Job Satisfaction

• The Key to Finding Job Satisfaction and Having a Successful Career
• What to Do When You Hate Your Job but Want a Successful Career
• How to Quit Your Job That You Hate and Start Doing What You Love
• How to Spot Job Burnout and Cope with It

The Lifehack Show Episode 8: On Personal Success

In this episode of The Lifehack Show, we interview Robert Glazer, who is the founder and CEO of Acceleration Partners, and author of the book Elevate: Push Beyond Your Limits and Unlock Success in Yourself and Others.

Robert shares with us how capacity building can radically improve your life and how his new book acts as a guide to getting started.

Episode 8: On Personal Success

Also available on Apple Podcasts 

View on YouTube