The pic everybody is familiarised with, but so few braves dare to recognise: couples counseling. By acknowledging that a range between 42-50% of marriages in the US ends up in divorce – ratio that alarmingly increases for second-time married people, there is a vast field for psychologists to operate in what regards to helping couples to sort their differences. Then why is widely accepted that bringing couples counseling to the table is the beginning of the end-phase of most marriages?
Contrary to popular belief, in the 40-50s age group, women are the ones that take the initiative to apply for divorce, being the divorce ratio a 5,2% higher as recent studies hosted by the Bureau of Labor Statistics show . Sociologists credit this situation not only to an increased tendency for women seeking higher education degrees and better-paid jobs[1] but also to a mindset change on what used to be the 1950s society and the views on domestic violence (either physical or psychological). Divorcees are not stigmatised by society as it used to be, though many people still believe there’s room for improvement, and take as a final countermeasure the chance that professional help brings to us.
Seeking couples counseling services is giving your relationship another chance.
A fact is that the age gap between 40-50s is the largest pool of divorces for any community, and that factor is strictly linked to reaching a certain position in life where routine becomes a killer, children seek their lives as full grown-ups, and those minor “inconveniences” that were left under the carpet now seem to be impossible to disguise. Of course, there is a huge difference between seeking couple counseling services for domestic quarrels than infidelity, so these are the signs that can tell you maybe it’s time to consider asking for help:
- When communication is, overall, negative: You don’t talk, you just spend half your time arguing over the weather, finance, kids, your broken car, your work troubles and even your neighbors’ new lawn mower. Everything seems to become an excuse to start a heated argument.
- When you start losing trust: Relationships are built on trust, and when that delicate balance starts to quake, you start to question even the stupidest things that can come across your mind, like what your couple did with its payment rise, if he/she is paying taxes in time, how and when did this new friend showed up, since when this new hobby started to take that much interest, etc.
- When you feel the need to keep secrets: Of course we all have our personal stuff that we would prefer not to talk about, but when you feel you need to keep things from your partner over and over, then it’s a sign things aren’t working the way they should.
- When there are severe financial differences: Some of the essential aspects of marriages relies on good financial management. If one wants to start saving money for retirement and the other spends more from what’s making in a month’s salary, and the tendency doesn’t change over months (or even years), then probably it’s time to seek advice someplace else.
- When there is no intimacy: No one expects marriage to be like the first year over time [2] , as people change, responsibilities show up, and we tend to get accustomed to the same things – meaning that initial spark might get lost. But if now you don’t even kiss goodbye, then something else is going on here.
- When you live separate lives: To put this in few words, you share a roof, that’s all. Even your roommate in college was more aware of your routine and things that went on your life than your spouse.
If you can relate to 1-2 of this topics, then it’s time to sit down and talk about the things that are going on at the moment [3] . In case you identify your marriage with over 4 of these points, then book a session asap! There is still time to fix things if you still love each other.
To save your relationship, let the counselor help you. But your effort counts too.
Pick a therapist that really suits you and your partner.
Referrals are the best way to find a professional for a sensitive matter as this one. Either friend who went through the same as you are at the moment, or their parents, a co-worker you trust, your doctor, etc. can give a helping hand to find that person that can set a middle-ground to your constant quarrels or lack of affection.
First of all, be sure your therapist’s opinion isn’t biased towards marriage above all problems, as sometimes there is no viable way to make a relationship to work if differences are way too pronounced. Then, another factor you need to consider is that the professional itself must be a neutral one: a friend of one of the spouses isn’t a choice, as you need to consider you are willing to share your personal problems and your spouses’ as well – once again, you don’t want a biased opinion that can make the result a worse one than the initial problem.
Remember the good times.
One does simply get married to another person just because they saw each other at the mall, exchanged glances and tie the knot; there is a story behind [4] ! Think of the first date you two had, a memorable moment while you were dating, a gift you loved , and bring that to therapy.
Sometimes, the sole reason why therapy works is because counselors help us to talk [5] – yes, talk – without being afraid of what our spouse may say: the counselor is there to help, to make the other half of your marriage to understand your feelings and to help you to understand what your spouse thinks about your relationship.
Commitment is the key.
As marriages are a thing of two,[6] nothing is going to change if both parties aren’t willing to cooperate. By this we mean there’s no such thing as we see in movies or soap operas where one spouse drags the other to counseling, and miraculously things start to get clear, he or she gets familiarized with an old trauma of the spouse’s childhood, and you know the rest of the story.
If you get to the point that one believes seeking therapy for the trouble you are having is a waste of time, then it’s probably best to move on with your life someplace else[7].
Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io
Reference
| [1] | ^ | Bureau of Labor Statistics: Marriage and divorce: patterns by gender, race, and educational attainment |
| [2] | ^ | Lifehack: What Romance Is Like After 10 Years Of Marriage |
| [3] | ^ | The Good Men Project: 7 Things Wives Tell Me in Marriage Counseling (That Husbands Should Know) |
| [4] | ^ | Simplemost: Tom Hanks Shares His Advice For A Lasting Marriage |
| [5] | ^ | The Hollywood Reporter: Will Smith: “Racism Is Not Getting Worse, It’s Getting Filmed” |
| [6] | ^ | Lifehack: These 10 Simple Things You Do Are Making Your Marriage Last, Even Though You’re Not Aware Of It |
| [7] | ^ | Huffington Post: The 5 Big Reasons Why Couples Divorce After Decades Of Marriage |
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