It’s no coincidence that media will turn to the childhood stories to seek out where things went wrong when a star has a meltdown. The explanation might just be the attachment theory. This could also be part of the reason your relationships as an adult are suffering today. Find out what it is exactly and how you can help yourself heal from it today.
The attachment theory is the emotional and physical attachment you experience with your mom or dad growing up.[1]It was John Bowlby who first coined the phrase after doing studies on brain development in children. The study showed that when you have a strong bond with one or both of your guardians, you’re mentally more sound. Attachment will connect certain behaviors kids have. This includes seeking out the attachment figure when they feel threatened or afraid. Bowlby studied disturbed children and found that children really do need their mother in particular.
When there is a disconnect at a young age, it causes problems in adult relationships.
You may have unrealistic expectations that cause relationships to break down. Maybe you’ve never thought about what happens within you when anxiety builds up over small things. You may be overly jealous and hate yourself for it. These feelings don’t allow you to have a sense of peace in your life. This problem with attachment, in theory, may cause you to look like the psycho girlfriend or the over protective boyfriend. It may be that you have never known what it feels like to belong to something or feel secure.
Whether a child feels secure plays an important role in how secure the adult feels.
Author Meghan Laslocky wrote a book about how to deal with heartbreak.[2] She attributed to knowing the ins and outs of the attachment theory. This helps you to understand where these needs come from. Once you know why you’re needing excess love, constant praise, and desperate for intimacy, you can start to move past it.
A child’s intimacy and sense of security with their primary caregiver will play an important role in how secure the adult feels in life.
There are various symptoms that come with a childhood where you weren’t given the proper love you needed.
Fear of intimacy might be one of the problems you have. You might avoid getting into a serious relationship so you don’t have to deal with the deep emotions that lie beneath.
You never learned to open your heart to someone and the brain tells you it’s unfamiliar. When the brain hasn’t dealt with an experience before, it will produce your fight or flight response.
There’s no need to endure childhood emotions in your adult relationships any longer. There are ways that you can combat your insecure feelings though. You will not only get in touch with your own heart but you can share love with other, without the fear that you might get hurt.
Seeing a therapist about the deepest hurt you have will allow you to unpeel all of those layers.
For so long, you have been covering up your feelings that built up through not feeling loved as a child. Researchers Dr. Phillip Shaver and Dr. Cindy Hazan found that about 60 percent of people have a secure attachment, while 20 percent have an avoidance attachment, and 20 percent have an anxious attachment.[3]
Seeing a therapist will help you uncover the pain that’s been sitting there for decades. This will allow the healing process to begin and you’ll be given tools to start rebuilding relationships.
There’re also more ways to fix your insecurity in any relationships.
If you believe that your relationships aren’t working because of your childhood experiences, there are some steps you can take.
- Understand your attachment pattern by doing some research on attachment theory. There is plenty of information online from scientific to deeply emotional accounts. Find what resonates with you. Knowing what you’re dealing with will help you combat it.
- Seek out friends and partners who exhibit secure attachment, this is the opposite of negative attachment styles. You don’t need a partner in crime full of their own emotional problems. Research has said that half of all adults have secure attachment. It’s believed that a positive experience with a person who is secure will help you deal with your insecurity.
- If you’ve already fallen in love with someone, built a life, and both have similar issues with attachment, going to couples therapy might be helpful. If you can go through the journey of changing attachment patterns together, you can handle anything.
- Staying relaxed is essential. With almost any type of therapy, the West has now recognized the need for calmness. The emotions that you experience as you uncover your childhood pain should include yoga and meditation. Centering yourself as you deal with emotional storms is a holistic means of powerful healing.
What you’ll get in return when you do heal is worth it.
Remember that secure attachment in your romantic relationships can extend to the rest of your life. Your interactions with the Starbucks barista can be more enriching. As you open your heart more naturally, you’ll gain more energy in your life.
If you boost your security, you become more generous and compassionate. That feels really good too. The more you give, the more secure you will become as well.
Featured photo credit: Stocksnap via stocksnap.io
Reference
| [1] | ^ | Simply Psychology: Attachment Theory |
| [2] | ^ | Meghan Laslocky: How to Stop Attachment Insecurity from Ruining Your Love Life |
| [3] | ^ | Psychology Today: How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship |
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